The Acceptance Speech

Thursday, September 9, 2004

I hope those who read this column last week took the time to watch the President's acceptance speech at the Republican convention, because this week there's a pop quiz! Everybody get out a piece of paper and pencil, put all your books under your desk and remain quiet until the test begins. Everyone ready? Then here we go.

1) The act that President Bush refers to as "the most important federal education reform in history" is:
a) a federal act increasing school funding.
b) a law requiring all teachers, private and public, to actually have teachers' certifications.
c) the "No Child Left Behind Act," which imposed dozens of regulations and requirements
without raising funding or providing a clear goal.

2) The tax cuts that Bush called "largest tax relief in a generation" have led to:
a) the biggest budget surplus in American history.
b) the biggest deficit in American history.
c) the lowest poverty rate in American history.

3) Under the "medical liability reform" the Bush regime is touting, a doctor who by mistake amputated both of a man's legs instead of his little finger could be held accountable for up to:
a) $500,000 and/or revocation of license.
b) $1,000,000 and/or up to two years in prison.
c) $250,000.

4) "Pakistan was a transit point for terrorist groups. Saudi Arabia was fertile ground for terrorist fund-raising. Libya was secretly pursuing nuclear weapons, Iraq was ____________."
a) "a gathering threat."
b) "the home of a genocidal dictator bent on destroying America and his own people."
c) "an immediate danger."

All right! The answer to number one is, (c), "No Child Left Behind," which would more appropriately be called "the most counterproductive federal education reform in history." Number two is (b), the biggest deficit in American history. In fact, before the end of the year, the deficit will reach more than a half trillion dollars. Bush attacks Kerry for his tax-and-spend policy, but Bush would have us simply spend, unaccountably. Number Three is (c); working on the assumption that it is frivolous lawsuits which have caused such high insurance premiums, Bush and company would put an absolute limit of only $250,000 on every malpractice suit, regardless of severity. Finally, number four is (a), "a gathering threat," but we didn't bomb any of the countries for which he listed specific offenses. By this loose justification, we should have bombed North Korea, Libya, Iran, Saudi Arabia, parts of Palestine, France (if you listen to some people), China, parts of the former USSR and India long ago. Double standard, anyone?

Quick correction to last week's column: the Green Party is, in fact, running a presidential candidate this term, but they said no to Nader. Check www.gp.org for more information. Also, we apparently got some complaints about the two liberal columns last week. You're damn right I'm liberal, and a radical, but not nearly as much of either as Bush, who's promising another four years of wiping his rear with the constitution. Write to saucefiller@hotmail.com with gripes, grumps, complaints, applause, praise, comments, or questions.